Depression Talk

OK, I’m going to do the YouTube Clip of the Week early this week because I barely know if I’m coming or going. In one sense, it helps my self-esteem to land such a huge web content job. On the other hand, my depression symptoms have worsened due to the challenges of the job.

I’ve landed a huge (and lucrative) assignment to do 664 biographies of Australian actors and actresses. (Yes, there are at least 664 of them). Doing the first lot, I’ve barely been able to scrape together passable yet mostly non-existant info on such Oz luminaries as Adam Cockburn, Aden Young, Alan Cassell and Alan Hopgood.

Now, the last one of that list, Alan Hopgood, is better known as a playwright than he is an actor. This scene I discovered on YouTube while trying to find information on Alan Hopgood’s childhood and schooling. It’s from one of his plays, “A Pill, A Pump and a Needle” which is about three women who suddenly come down with diabetes.

However, this scene is more about depression than it is about diabetes. Granted, the main character talking is not only going through Type 2 diabetes, but also menopause. The depression she describes was most likely triggered by her ill health and it may go away when she finishes her menopause and gets some control over her diabetes.

But it is still a good description of the lows you can hit when you are in a funk or (as I call them ) a jag. Hope you enjoy it:

One of the reasons people with any type of depression do not want to try to get help is because they are afraid they will be shunned for the rest of their lives. Depression is a mental illness, but an illness is an illness. It can be temporary or chronic.

Which leads to the next point of why a depressive may be reluctant to seek help. They may be convinced that any mental illness cannot be helped. “One nuts — always nuts!” They may also be convinced that their particular case is hopeless, so what’s the point of spending the time, energy and money seeking professional help?

The Point

The point is that there are no hopeless cases (as Dr. Abraham Low said). Also, just because you have depression does not mean you are doomed to be miserable 24/7 for the rest of your life. There are many options available to help relieve the suffering and eventually find some enjoyment in life again.

Having a mental illness like depression does not mean you have a major character flaw. It does not mean you have been cursed by God. It just means you have a mental illness. Any illness can be treated — whether it’s the symptoms or the root cause.

Riding the Wave

Depression is a great sea of frothing emotions. Getting treatment through medications, therapy and behaviorial changes can help you learn how to swim this sea. Although you can certainly feel exhaisted and think you will sink, you just need to try to relax and float.

So, metaphors aside, the answer is no — you won’t always be depressed. There wil be setbacks, but there will also be good times ahead.

Hope this helps.

One of the best ways to know that the meds (antidepressants, mood stabilizers or whatever) are working is that you feel so much better. You’re sleeping better, you’re eating better, you have more energy, you’re able to have fun sometimes — and so you think, “I guess I don’t need the meds anymore. I’ll stop taking them now.”

Worst thing you can do.

Pain And Problems

After a couple of weeks, your body is used to receiving a certain level of that prescription drug every day. Your body will get very, very cranky if you suddenly switch off. The withdrawal symptoms might take a couple of days to kick in or a couple of hours.

Withdrawal symptoms from anitdepressants, anti-seizure medications and mood stabilizers include:

• Headaches or migraines
• Shakiness or tremors
• Sweating
• Insomnia
• Dizziness or balance problems
• Inability to concentrate
• A return of the depression symptoms you had before

So, Are You Stuck With The Meds For Life?

Not necessarily. Although some people (like me) will most likely be on Prozac until I croak (or until Western civilization implodes, whichever comes first), many people do not need to be. But that’s up for your body and your doctor to decide.

What you can do is either take a smaller dose of your medicine or gradually taper off. For example, I started at 40mg of Prozac per day in April of 2003 and now I’m on 20mg per day. At one point in 2007, I tried to take 10mg per day. However, that didn’t work out too well. I saw someone throwing part of a pizza in the trash and I thought about all of the homeless that would love to have that pizza and I burst out into tears. So, now I’m back on 20mg.

Concentrate of getting better before contemplating reducing medication.

I must confess: I’ve been ignoring my own advice and been self-medicating with my Mom’s old bottle Endocet for anxiety. I’ve been doing it for about two weeks. Now, I’m on Prozac (an SSRI antidepressant) and really should not be taking any medication ending in -cet. Otherwise, I could wind up looking like Tammy Faye Bakker.

But My Nerves Are Shot

So, why are my nerves more frayed than a tug toy after a session with a pack of Labrador retreivers? I’ve had three clients jerk me about by fooling with my payment. One client has paid and it was all a silly misunderstanding and that’s been resolved. (Thank you, client — you know who you are). But I still have two clients who owe me a combined total of nearly $1000 (US). (And you know who you are.)

One grand may not seem like much to some people, but for me it’s a hell of a lot. Especially since I used to be homeless and I’m not exactly eager to return to that condition.

Dangers of Self Medication

So, why am I confessing all of this? Besides to keep me from impaling my forehead with the computer keyboard? It’s to let any readers out there (both of you) know about the dangers of self-medication. For one thing, my depression has worsened. I don’t want to do anything except curl up with my dog and cry. But I only have one Endocet pill left and I’m saving that for March 31, in case my clients still haven’t paid up.

That, and it gives me a good excuse to stick this YouTube clip up of a somewhat decent rap song called “Self Medication Blues”. It does contain adult themes, so kids, make sure your parents are out of the room:

If you’ve just started taking a new medication for depression, chances are you feel pretty strange. I remember when I first started taking Prozac back in 2003. I was very dopey for two weeks. My boyfriend at the time was really alarmed, but after two weeks, my body got used to the new drug and I began sleeping normally instead of nodding offf at a moment’s notice.

I guess my boyfriend should have been alarmed. About a year and a half later (still on Prozac) I realised what a bully he was and left him.
Moral of the story is: the meds work gradually.

Making the Best Use of Your Waiting Time

Medication alone can’t do all of the work to help you manage your depression. You also have to help the medicaine along by noticing your thoughts. Although it may sound twee, your thoughts can have a profound impact on how miserable you feel.

Begin to pay attention to all of the self-incriminating or downright insulting thoughts you have abut yourself. Even say “Stop” out loud to help you not only recognize how often you think badl of yourself, but to interrupt that train of thought.

When you have these thoughts, try thinking, “That’s just the depression talking. I’m just as good as anyone else!”

Other things you can do to help raise your self esteem in this time are:

• Taking a slow walk every day in sunlight
• Writing in a journal
• Listening to the problems of others (so you see that you aren’t so crazy)
• Clean something

Keeping yourself busy and not putting pressure on yourself for instant improvement will also help the medications work. If you feel even more depressed, however, contact your doctor or therapist immediately.

After a couple of disasterous relationships, a few years ago I took myself out of the dating scene. Since I became celibate I’ve been able to start my own freelance writing business, give to charity and help out my family (instead of the other way around, for a change). I’ve also been able to make great strides in managing my major depression.

Am I Being Punished?

Perhaps it was my Protestant upbringing, perhaps it was watchign too many movies or perhaps it was my depression, but many times I think the reason that my relationships turned out so badly was because I never stayed true to my biggest love.

My biggest love happens to be Peter Gabriel. I fell for him when I was 16 and now I’m — a lot older. However, the big snag in my relationship with Peter is that he’s completely unaware of it. He’s also currently married to a woman younger, more attractive, more intelligent and more fertile than I am, so I don’t think I have much of a shot (not that I ever did. In between wives, he’s dated actresses, models and other singers).

But yet, I’ve still not stayed true to him. In one way, I’ve betrayed my greatest love, so is that why my relationships were always crap, because I was being punished.

This Is, Of Course, Nonsense

Even if I did manage to date Peter, I’d sure as hell screw it up somehow. That’s just the way I am. I like being single — and unchained by a relationship. So, I feel miserable in the spring when the hormones start rushing about my body, but it’ll pass. It always does.

In the eyes of many aspiring artists, Nicholas Hughes had a pedigree unmatched. The son of British Poet Laureate Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath, he was one year old when his infamous tortured poet mother commited suicide by sticking her head in a gas oven.

46 years later, Nicholas Highes’ body was discovered in his Alaskan home. He’d hung himself. His surviving sister, Freida, who also suffers from depression, claims that Nicholas was battling depression at the time and apparently was the one to discover the body when she arrived for a visit to her brother. He never married and did not have children. He was a professor of “fisheries and ocean sciences”, with a real love for the outdoors and took up pottery as a hobby.

This Is What Depression Does To You

Although he kept very quiet and tried to stay away from the public eye and his parents’ fans, by all accounts Nicholas Hughes became a successful and highly respected fellow. But no matter how brilliant or logical you are, depression does have a way of making you unable to see your situation clearly.

So, if you know someone who has had depression in the past and yet seems all right, still check up on them from time to time. In depression, setbacks are inevitable. There isn’t just one overnight cure and then you’re free from it for the rest of your life.

Suicide Warning Signs

Indications that someone is thinking about sucide include:

• Giving away prized possessions
• Becoming more and more isolated
• Talking about death or dying
• Sudden weight loss or weight gain
• Not finding any joy in any activity, even those things the person usually loves

Last week on Depression Talk, we looked at an unknown Canadian man who tried to commit suicide by jumping into Niagra Falls — only he somehow managed to survive. For some unknown reason, my subconscious is fixated on this character. How do I know this? because I keep having nightmares about horses commiting suicide by drowning. It’s normal for me to have nightmares about suffering animals, but not about drowning animals. These nightmares started after March 12, when the world became aware of the Niagra sucide jumper survivor.

Why Horses?

I love all animals and a lot of bugs, too so I’m not entirely sure why my subsconcious has equated the suicide jumper with a horse. Perhaps because the stories I grew up with of wild horses refusing to eat or jumping over cliffs or shoving a muzzle into a bucket of water when in captivity. (I think the latter was featured in a cowboy poem called “The Mustang Bay”).

Perhaps my subconscious is using horses to make me pay attention. Either that, or it’s getting lazy and is just merging news stories and images like some sort of demented Photoshop.

That and maybe because I’ve survived several suicide attempts — although I’ve never jumped over any waterfall and I never had any attempt filmed and broadcast on international news.

Why Should I Care

If my subconscious is worried about this jumper, I wonder why it’s picked this fella. I hear about people dying all of the time and I’m like, “That’s terrible. Pass the popcorn.” Perhaps I’m getting soft in my old age. I’m starting to care about strangers again.

An unknown Canadian man estimated to be in his 30’s survived the 180 foot plunge over the Canadian side of Niagra Falls. He jumped about two in the afternoon with a heck of a lotta witnesses about, who were able to phone for help.

But the man didn’t want help. When he bobbed to the surface, he swam about 300 yards in the surface. Although he tried to loose his life in the jump, all he lost were his clothes. He avoided and fought all rescue attempts and was only rescued when he finally passed out in the water. Even then, a local helicopter operator had to hoover over the water and use the force of the whirling blades to push the struggling man to shore. He was rushed to hopsital to be treated for hypothermia and a head injury.

He jumped on 11 March and in that time I’ve been hoping to find some details on this guy. I have not found much of anything except for this NY Daily News post. Niagra Falls officials plan on not charging the man with anything, unlike the last guy to try to kill himself jumping over the falls and lived.

I guess he was not a happy bunny when he woke up. He’s probably furious that he was rescued. There’s nothing like recovering from a botched suicide attempt to watch what’s left of your pride and self-esteem fly out the window. Dude, I know what you’re going through (although I never went over Niagra.)

But, dude, your fortune is now made. Just get one of Octomom’s publicists to sell your story to the highest bidder and you’ll be set for life. (God — you’re not the father, are you?) But dude — it does get better from here. Trust me on this.

Have you ever seen the pages of rave reviews at the beginning of a non-fiction book and thought it was overkill? This book is the rare exception. You can’t priase this book highly enough. I like it so much that I’m considering buying it (I currently keep taking out my local library’s only copy).

The Family Intervention Guide to Mental Illness: Recognizing Symptoms & Getting Treatment by Bodie Morey and Kim T. Muesser, Ph. D is written for both people who worry they may have a mental illness and for people living with someone with mental illness. As someone who is depressed and has lived with other mentally ill loved ones, I can honestly say that I wish this book had been written when I was a teenager.

Details

Information is written in an easy to understand manner and includes:

• How to recognize that someone is mentally ill
• The usual symptoms of more common mental illnesses like bipolar disorder and a breif discriptions of the different types of each particular disorder
• How to talk to someone about getting help
• How to help them or you find a doctor or therapist
• Scads of contact information and books for everything ranging from Alzheimer’s to eating disorders
• What NOT to say or do

Why I Really Like It

I like the fact that’s it’s co-written by people who have mental illnessesd and work with the mentally ill. I also really like that they discuss mental illness as just like any other medical condition, but don’t ignore the fact that discrimination against the mentally ill exists. It’s not a page-turner, but a good resource for anyone who suffers from depression.

Although antidepressants are generally known for their tranquilizing effect, occassionally this effect backfires and the person becomes manic instead. This also can happen to people on heavy tranqilizers like Valium. I’ve even known someone who got manic smoking marijuana for the first time. Just because antidepressants happen a certain way for some people doesn’t mean it will happen that way for you.

What Is Mania

A bipolar depressive on YouTube nicknamed “Guy Interrupted” described mania as “Bugs Bunny on speed.” That’s a fairy accurrate description. Althugh I’ve never experienced mania, I have been stuck inside of rooms with someone going through a manic phase. At least the experience wasn’t boring.

The many syptoms of antidepressant induced mania include:

• Talkingreallyfast
• Racing thoughts
• Not needing to sleep
• Giving away money or posessions
• Overspending
• Full of grandiose plans
• Hearing voices
• Constantly beginning projects but not finishing them

There was this one woman I briefly knew who went book shoppping while manic. She intended to go buy one book, which happened to be published by Penguin. It had a little penguin on the spine. Instead of buying one book, she bought about thirty, because she didn’t want the one penguin to be lonely.

So, you can see there’s sort of a logic system going on but it’s not necessarily a good thing (except for Penguin publishers and booksellers).

Should You Stop the Meds Abruptly?

If your loved one taking a new antidepressant gets manic — or if you realize ou are getting manic — then you need to contact your doctor or therapist right away. In some instances, stopping the meds all of a sudden may bring on painful withdrawal symptoms. Or your doctor might suggest just reducing the dose.

Hope this helps.

It was very easy for my doctor to diagnose me with depression because I’d put off going to the doctor for so long that my symptoms were practically textbook. Also, by then, I’d discovered that just about everyone on both sides of my family had been diagnosed with one mental illness or another, including major depression.

You can’t begin to get better if you don’t have a correct diagnosis. So why are there a lot of depressives walking around that have been misdiagnosed? There are several reasons.

The Depressive Is Very Young

It can be really hard for doctors or therapists to feel absolutely sure that the cause could be depression for anyone under 21. Teenagers, for example, are notorius for their mood swings and sudden changes of behavior. Chronic illnesses can also lead to depression in kids, including thyroid problems, epilepsy, diabetes and abdominal migraines.

The Diagnostician Is Too Inexperienced

The bad news is that a lot of people in the medical profession just aren’t qualitfied to diagnose depression or mental illness. The good news is that they will admit it and try to help you find someone more experienced in these matters.

And remember, no matter how smart someone is, a school teacher, pastor or guy you met at the pub is not qualified to diagnose you as being depressed.

Mental Illness Symptoms Can Overlap

Everyone with depression has different symptoms and how severe those symptoms are. Some people with depression may hear voices — which is usually a symptom of psychosis. They can make you look as if you have another kind of mental illness.

You May Not Remember Some Symptoms

If you are really tired or confused because of depression, you may not think that some symptoms are worth mentioning to a doctor or you may just forget you had them. But these symptoms tend to repeat, so over time you and your doctor will finally pay attention to them.

Hope this helps.

Many types of depression runs in families, including major depression and bipolar disorder. The odds are that sooner or later, you’re going to bump into a family member or other loved one who is depressed. The best thing you can do is get the person to talk about how they feel and encourage them to get help.

But there are also other things you want to avoid doing. This list was inspired by The Family Intervention Guide to Mental Illness: Recognizing Symptoms and Getting Treatment by Bodie Morey & Kim. T. Muesser, Ph. D.

Thinking It Will Pass

Depression doesn’t go away on it’s own, so don’t worry that you are making a fuss over nothing. Who knows? If a person has untreated depression when they die, they could turn into a ghost with depression. Perhspas that’s why ghosts do all of that wailing and moaning.

Telling the Person to Snap Out of It

A person with any type of depression CAN’T “snap out of it”. That’s like telling a cancer patient to “snap out of it”. The only thing you will accomplish is making the loved one with depression hate your guts. And then, when the situation gets so desperate that you do need to have a serious heart-to-heart with your depressed loved one, they will refuse to listen to you.

Believing That Mental Illness Doesn’t Happen In Your Family

Mental illness is not a character flaw, a judement from God or a curse of any kind. It’s an illness — which is why it has that word “illness” in the phrase “mental illness”. You’d want your loved one to get treatment for cancer, so why not mental illness?

Many people with bipolar disorder, general anxiety disorder or major depression suffer from racing thoughts. It’s very hard to describe racing thoughts to someone who never experiences them. They do vary from person to person in their intensity, frequency and ability to incapacitate.

With me, for example, once the thoughts begin to race and jump from one thing to another, I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate. Sometimes, the thoughts make me so upset that my heart pounds, I throw up, I cry or my entire body tembles.

Now, I have it easy compared to other people with racing thoughts. Mine eventually go away. I was reminded of this when I did a post on David Berkowitz and have had racing thoughts ever since. I had to take a Benadryl (a decongestant) in order to get any sleep and I probably will have to do so again tonight.

I think a good way of describing racing thoughts is to look at Jack Russell terrier racing. Jack Russell terriers are small dogs, of which Eddie on Fraiser is a good example. If you’ve ever been ten minutes with a Jack Russell then you know the meaning of the word “intense”. I saw one show called Aftermath: Population Zero that wondered what would happen to the world if humans suddenly disappeared. They predicted that all small dogs would be eated by biger dogs. The makers of that show obviously never met a Jack Russell. I’m convinced they are secret leaders of wolf packs.

Well, watch the film and it kind of portrays racing thoughts. I usually have a frantic background soundtrack to the thoughts, too, like in the film.

Not everyone with depression has problems with racing thoughts and anxiety, but I happen to be one of the lucky ones that do. I get the racing thoughts first and then the anxiety, which can lead to insomnia, trembling and general crankiness. The strangest things can set my mind off into these unstoppable whirlwinds of thoughts. Yesterday, it was doing a post on YouTube Digger about David Berkowitz.

I Hate David Berkowitz

He’s a serial killer, arsonist, animal killer and ordained Born Again minister. I was very young when Berkowitz terrified the East Coast as the “Son of Sam” or “the 44 calibre killer”. He also displays several symptoms of insanity, such as hearing voices. I thought it would be interesting to do a couple of posts about him as I was takng the month of March to look at clips about madness. (March Madness. Get it? Oh, never mind.)

For some reason, I’d always assumed that Berkowitz had been executed. He was caught in 1977, remember. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only is he alive and doing quite well having his every need catered for him in prison, but that he has a thriving ministry and is a successful book author.

And, for some reason, I was filled with fury at the unfairness of life and that set off my racing thoughts.

Trying to Cope

One the thoughts begin to race, I have very little success reeling them in. The only way I can cope is by either distracting myself with work or television until I eventually drop unconsius from exhaustion.

Now, I’m trying to laugh at myself by making up little tunes like

I hate David Berkowitz
Doo-dah
Doo dah
I hate David Berkowitz
Oh, dee doo dah day.

Anything to keep one mentally healthy, I guess.