Depression Talk

I rode the Chestnut Thoroughbred on Friday morning, and it was everything I had hoped it would be. It was more, even, because I got to ride him in a ring and then I was given the opportunity to go for a hack with him and his owner. We had a lovely time, a lovely chat, and I really felt that I got a good opportunity to meet and understand the horse before making a decision.

He arrived at the Ranch house Sunday afternoon. His first hours here have been lovely: He seems to be getting along nicely. We had a lovely ride together and now he is tucked away in his new stall for the night.

I’ve heard people speak of passion in terms of dealing with anxiety issues and depression. If you can create something in your life that you have a passion for, the ick that exists seems easier to deal with.

I’ve always been an incredibly passionate person. I’m passionate about my music, about writing, about the people who are important players in my life. I suppose with all that to be passionate about, I probably shouldn’t feel like I want one more: But I do.

I am passionate about this horse, about me returning to the ring, about my big ol’ butt getting back in the saddle. Perhaps it can help to stave off The Crazy that much longer. If not?

It will certainly be worth its while regardless of whether I lose my mind again or not.

Depression, Fighting Depression, Horseback Riding, Equestrian, New Horse, Passion

I’m always scared to get involved with a new endeavour for a variety of reasons. The number one reason is heartbreak.

I become heartbroken very easily. I am hyper sensitive and can find myself curled up in the fetal position, weeping, because someone ate the last of the potato chips. I’m not sure if this relates to being a crazy person, or if I’m just really, really special; either way, heartbreak scares me. Mostly because all the booze it takes me to recover is so expensive.

I’m going to look at a horse this morning. My last horse broke my heart in many ways: Partly because I should have been more diligent with his training, and if I had been, perhaps I wouldn’t even need to look at a horse tomorrow. He also broke my heart because the day I met him, Christmas day, I fell completely head over heels in love with him. He was sweet and gentle, and nibbled on the palm of my hand. I groomed and tacked him and hopped on him and everything went perfectly on that first day.

We had a few more relatively successful rides together, and then, slowly but surely, all hell seemed to break loose. Perhaps he just wasn’t happy in his environment after having spent so much time in a professional stable on a race track. Perhaps he had a mood disorder, perhaps any number of things, but regardless: He got mean. He got scary. And he got dangerous. He had to go.

I had enough time to accept that he would be leaving, because his shift in personality was gradual. So I wasn’t that heartbroken the day he left.

My father has laid down the LAW with regards to the horse we’re looking at tomorrow. I AM NOT allowed to fall in love with this horse until after he has inspected it. He has to have good teeth, sound legs, be in good physical shape, not have heaves or foot cracks or any of a million other problems that horses can have. And then I have to make up my mind about him.

So here’s to trying not to put myself out there until we’ve seen and ridden the horse, because Lord knows if I see him in the stall, if he looks at me with big, Thoroughbred Chestnut Gelding eyes and sniffs my shoulders, I will fall in love with him immediately.

AND WE CAN’T HAVE ME FALLING IN LOVE WITH THOROUGHBRED CHESTNUT GELDINGS WHO HAVE CRACKED HOOVES.

Perhaps I should have my father take over my dating life as well?

Falling in Love, Thoroughbred Chestnut Gelding, Horse Shopping, Buying a Horse, Equestrian

Today I get to don my cap and gown, and walk across the stage. I’m graduating. Finally.

The fam and I are heading downtown early so that I can be dropped off to get my cap and gown and learn how to walk such that I don’t end up on my face, sprawled across the stage in front of the dean.

I’m thinking that large doses of Clonapin are in order, and if not that, then certainly a large pitcher of beer afterwards.

Graduation, Ceremony, Cap & Gown, Falling off the stage