Damn the pills….
Every now and then, I go through a time period where I feel fine. I feel like a person able to get out of her bed, a person able to function as a normal and fine human being. I am in one of those times right now.
Every day I wake up and I have to take large doses of drugs. I’m sure that diabetics don’t feel guilty for needing insulin, and I’m sure that people with a host of other illnesses don’t feel guilty for needing their medications either.
But my need for medications bothers me. Every now and then, I think about what my life could be like medication free. I think about the money I could save and never feeling that ‘Oh, God, the pills are stuck in my throat and I’m going to choke to death’ feeling ever again. I think that I could pack an overnight bag and if someone else were to lift it into the car, they wouldn’t wonder what that strange rattling sound is.
At the same time, especially with the new medications I’m taking these days, I have to say that I am in the best place emotionally that I have ever been in. I feel sane and rational a lot of the time, I sleep at night… that in and of itself is miraculous. I’m less prone to hysterics, although they jump out at me from time to time, and I spend much less time staring at nothing in space than I used to.
At the same time, I occasionally have this wild desire to never look at a prescription pill bottle with my name and fifty gazillion repeats on it ever again.
Every morning, when I take my drugs, I have to stop and look at them for a moment. I have to tell myself that these are the medications that allow me to be the way I am today.
I like me. I like being me. I like the life I live and the people I know and the things that I do.
But sometimes, it’s really, really hard to like the fact that I have to take drugs every day in order to actually like all these things.
Amanda
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:08 am
There are certainly downsides to being on medication (like the cost!), but as you said - there are also amazing upsides when you’re on the right mix. Being able to enjoy things and like who you are…those things are priceless. I’m so glad you have those things!
May 8th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
I wrote an article about this topic recently, you might be interested in it, maybe even post it? I suffered from depression since I was 17. I’m 29 now and just out of a recent relapse, but feel stronger and better than ever…