Odd Girl Out…
I’m reading a book right now on the topic of girl bullying, a topic that interests me greatly.
I don’t like to blame things for me turning out the way I did, but I often wonder if my experiences in public school. In short, I was the biggest loser in my school. I say that and people laugh and say I’m exaggerating, but the sad thing is that I am not. Living with no friends was… hard.
I don’t know what made me into the girl I was by the time I reached the end of the eighth grade. I started out in life as the same girl I am now: Loud, boisterous, obnoxious, outgoing, and always laughing. Eventually I became a person holed up within myself.
I realized how much I had changed at the end of the eighth grade. We had been given art folders that we had to decorate ourselves. Because of my intense need to not be noticed, I rarely completed these projects any more. But at the beginning of the seventh grade, I had been my usual self. I didn’t care if people thought that my picture of my beagle puppy looked like a duck with extra legs. I wanted to draw a beagle, so I did. I had used multiple colors to draw my name in big, bold letters. But two years later, my art work was all either random patterns of colors running into each other, or nothing. Because I was so desperate not to be noticed.
I waffle now that I’m older. In certain situations, I’m a total wallflower. In others, I never shut up. I’m the drunken fool laughing and screeching and dancing.I’ve had people tell me that they’re never sure who I am. Its true. I don’t really either. I’m not sure which persona matches me better. The quiet one who sits back and doesn’t mae eye contact. Or the girl whose voice is so overblown and loud that you can’t help but see me in public because that much NOISE is hard to miss.
The problem is that I never know which persona I’m faking. Am I faking the quiet me, and I’m really the loud me? Or am I the loud girl who occasionally pretends to be quiet?
July 9th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
I own this book, but haven’t been able to read it yet. It’s a movie now, too. …interested to hear how you like it.