Depression Talk

Guilt has been a major issue within my Insanity throughout my life. When I had a relapse of Insanity last fall, after almost three years Insanity-free, I was plagued by guilt. At the time I was living in the Big City, studying Sociology. I had an apartment, a cat, a family who loves me. I had food, I had new shoes, I had comfy clothes to wear. I had a good job with a great boss, I had friends who would cook me dinner and not banish me from the house when I burned holes the circumference of pop cans in their couches.

And I was unhappy. I was so, so lost inside this feeling of being clouded in. I felt that nothing was possible in my life, that forever I would be living in a city I didn’t want to be in, pursuing an education that I wasn’t sure I wanted. My brother was overseas in Afghanistan, and I had just lost my grandfather. My student loans hadn’t come in, I was taking six full time courses, and working enough to try and make the rent. The very small, teeny tiny little part of me that is sane and rational knew that period in my life was temporary.

I felt like everything bad in this world was looming directly in front of me. The task of getting out of my bed was one so great that I attempted it only when absolutely necessary. I had a constant feeling that pure, unadulterated badness was approaching in my life, like nothing was ever ok, that nothing would ever be ok.

I felt guilty over all this because I knew that I had everythign I needed in my life to be perfectly content. And yet still, I wasn’t happy. And that made me feel bad.

Now I am back living at home, I’m officially a graduate from university. I have everything I need or want in this world, emotionally and physically, and what do I feel?

Guilty. I feel bad because I’m so happy and there are other people out there who aren’t nearly as happy as I am. There are still people out there fighting battles with depression and so many other issues.

I suppose that guilt is something I either need to do away with or accept as part of me. Regardless of what my situation is, I seem to be plagued by it.

Depression, Relapse of Depression, Guilt, Happiness, Hopelessness