Week of Wonders….
My theme for this week is going to be on my network: Those wonderful people who make my life easier to live just by existing in it.
I have to start this week by saying that I am a pretty difficult person to get along with. I am rife with anxiety and stress. I shriek frequently, and when it comes to volume? Let me tell you, I’m not here to fuck around. I’m hyper sensitive to any remark that might remotely have anything to do with me, and I cry at the drop of a hat. Any hat. Hell, I even cry at the drop of protective headgear.
The people in my network have a hard and tiring job in being in that network. They need to console me when I’m sobbing; they have to pick up the pieces when I fall apart. They have to deal with me constantly bemoaning my hideous relationship mistakes. What’s worse, they have to deal with the fact that I can never let anything go.
My social network is fairly small: I have a very few people who I hold near and dear to me. That is not to say that I am a trusting person. I often trust people with my heart and soul; however, at the same time, I always expect to be disappointed. That is, if I tell someone something I’d rather other people not know, and I find out that they have told a number of people? I am rarely surprised. I think it is sad that I have such little faith in humanity as a whole. Unfortunately, life has shown me time and time again that the only person you can really trust is you.
However: My network, those people who I love and run to when I need them? These are the people who have shown themselves time and time again that they are trustworthy. These are people who have not let me down, who have stood by me through thick and thin, who have literally carried me to where I need to be when I can no longer make it there myself.
I firmly believe that a strong social network is one of the things that improves mental health issues the most. I firmly believe that everyone needs to find someone or something that can help them get through the tougher times.
This week will be devoted to those people in my life who make my getting out of bed in the morning possible.
November 4th, 2008 at 7:37 am
The blog you wrote this day; I want to tell you something funny that happened to me this morning that relates to it. I am a 45 year old woman and have been dealing with depression for most of that time. I have a good doctor, the best meds (even if they don’t always work
and have learned all the copings mechanisms I can get my hands on to get through the bad times, you know what I mean. But…one of my biggest problems always has been trying to prove that I’m stronger, hiding the fact of the illness from anyone I can but those who are too close to hide it from. And even those very very few people who did not abandon me as too ‘high maintenance’ or just plain scary, I seem to have tried too hard to keep away from me when I am not at my best. So, every time I’m really not well, it seems the worse I am, the more I’ve hidden if possible. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I actually sat down with a woman I’ve known for over 20 years and has never walked away from me knowing I had this illness (even though I think I’ve protected all these people from myself best I can) and I actually just let it go. I didn’t try to hide how weak I felt, how frantic I was, how embarrassed I was, how scared I was, and the fact that the anxiety was so bad, that I almost couldn’t stop talking - in fact I talked for 5 hours straight and she had to point out she had to go get her kids from school. I didn’t even know that much time had passed. Though some of my depressions are more the deep sadness, the lack of any energy, sometimes it takes this form of high anxiety with too much energy - not the mania kind seen in bipolar and that stuff, just plain down and out scared and wired and anxious. Anyway, to finally get to my point - sorry when I’m like this I don’t organize my thoughts well or summarize well - after hubby was off to work and my daughter to school I sat down at the computer and decided to look into ‘depression’ as I do once in awhile but try not to to often as it can just be…depressing lol. I googled something to the effect of .. talking .. so of course it hit your site. And here I came. And lo and behold, there was that particular blog you wrote speaking of your networking of friends. I cannot tell you how relieved I felt when you described your special friend, and how few you trust. I am the same, a few only, and it took obviously a very very long while to trust them too. I often think I’m the only woman I know who doesn’t socialize as much as others, doesn’t hang around having coffee with like 15 other mom’s in the neighbourhood type thing. It makes me of course feel different, and not in a good way. So knowing that someone else like you talks about those issues, and experiences those kinds of problems because of depression, really helped me a lot. It’s one thing to know there are others with the illness struggling, it’s another thing to hear another woman just plainly talking about little every day things that other people don’t have to deal with, or take for granted. Thank you for having your site and talking about what you do. Like I said, over 20 years just to let someone really, really see me as I am in the middle of a depression - not hiding anything or trying to have all that self control so no one can guess I’m a wreck inside. Because of that I felt a little scared that I’d made a bad decision. But reading your blog made me realize, if people can’t handle it, they wouldn’t be there I guess. And since they are there, I’m a fool not to try and have them help in any way they can. I hate asking for help, I really do. I’d like to learn to ask for it without guilt or embarrassment. I like your attitude that you just ask your friend for some help, and there it is, and you’re glad to have them and show them thanks, but hey…you do let them in. I’d like to get better at that; it’s obviously a real help.
Sue