Wilting up and ceasing to exist….
I often talk here about wilting up and ceasing to exist. I’ve seen a few things wilt up and cease in my life, like that flower that one guy bought me before I broke up with him because I couldn’t stand his laguh; and then the time that those little kittens ran away from home when I was young. They simply just ceased to exist.
I’ve felt that way a number of times. In 2003 I had what I would call a Pretty Rough Year. I’m not sure which year was worse, the end of 2006 and the beginning of 2007, or the whole of 2003, but its a pretty close call. That year, when I was still young and had a little bit of faith left in humanity, I would wake up every day and think “My GOD. I’m still living this life!” And while I didn’t want to die, and I didn’t want to commit suicide, it would have been really, really nice if I could have just ceased to exist.
I wanted to be something other than what I was, living elsewhere than where I was living. I wanted my life to be the same: I wanted my same family and my same things, but there was certain history that I was more than willing to just toss off. I think the best option would have been to simply pack up everything and everyone I new and head us off to Zurich, or maybe Arkansas or even Rio De Janeiro, and we would just start all over without any more insanity or screw-ups in out pasts.
I now how ridiculous it all sounds; I know that there would be no point in waking up and starting over and having only perfection in your past. If that were the case, how would we ever really learn from any of our mistakes? ANd then how could you be perfect without learning?
At the same time, though, sometimes I just really wish that for a little while, once in a while, I could be that perfect person, with no hideousness behind her, no reason to wish that things weren’t any other way but how they are.
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